


No one can know.

by lonelysector23



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, F/M, Pining, Pre-Relationship, varric knows all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 09:40:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11895036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lonelysector23/pseuds/lonelysector23
Summary: Lily realizes Varric has known her secret for a while.**I recommend reading "Crossroads" and "New Beginnings" before reading.**





	No one can know.

The purple stone was finally gleaming under the setting sun after Lily rinsed it several times in the small stream near camp. Most of its surface had been encrusted with baked dirt and tiny fragments of rock when she came across it, and she had spent a good hour scrubbing at it in the moving water before she was finally satisfied with her work.

Lily observed how the sunlight shone and reflected through swirls of lavender and dark purple in certain parts of the stone. She remembered reading about gemstones similar to the one she was holding while spending time in Skyhold’s library - it was amethyst, if she recalled correctly. She started to dry it with the hem of her jacket when she heard footsteps behind her, and turned to find Varric walking up to the river, empty canteen in hand.  

He smiled as he approached her. “Found another one, Pebbles?”

“Yes,” she smiled faintly. “I haven’t found one of this color yet.”

Varric looked at the stone in her hands. “That one’s nice. How many have you found so far, anyway?”

Lily smiled sheepishly as she remembered the large box full of different types of stones in her quarters. “I… kind of lost count.”

Varric chuckled as he knelt at the river’s edge and dunked the canteen into the stream. “Nothing wrong with having a hobby. Especially _these_ days.”

His words held a mild weight in the air, and Lily couldn’t help but agree. She didn’t know what she would do with herself if she didn’t have books or her stones to distract her from the horrors they all kept encountering along their travels.

They sat in companionable silence for a little while, enjoying the brief moment of relaxation that would soon end once the sun set. It was a pleasant evening - everything around them had a warm glow and the gentle breeze blowing through the trees and tall grass was cooler now that the sun was setting. It was mostly quiet and peaceful around the camp, except for the occasional squeaking nug splashing through the flowing river and the quiet chirping of birds settling in for the night.

Lily rubbed the raw gemstone with her thumb. She focused her attention on a few smooth spots, its jagged edges, and how it gradually grew warmer in her palm. It was a habit she developed since she was taken to the Circle - she would fidget with almost anything she could get her hands on, being careful to avoid doing it in front of templars so she wouldn’t attract attention. She found it was strangely comforting and it also kept her hands busy when she didn’t know what to do with them. Doing this helped her to stay grounded, to keep her mind in the present moment. She was tired of her mind automatically going to the worst scenarios possible whenever she had a chance to breathe.

The thoughts would be nothing but torturous, constantly poking and prodding at her fears. They were always about how everything could go wrong: What if they were ambushed? What if someone had an arrow aimed at her head this very moment? What if a rift opened right in the middle of camp, spouting demons everywhere?

Those thoughts would often keep her awake all night or give her disturbing nightmares if she managed to sleep at all. She couldn't help but wonder if her mind would ever grow accustomed to how much her life has changed.

She blew out a quiet breath as she continued to fidget with the rock in her hand and watched a nug splashing on the other side of the stream.

“Seeker Pentaghast? Message for you from Commander Cullen.”

The nug was momentarily forgotten when Lily heard the scout’s words behind her. She didn’t even hear Cassandra’s reply as she stopped herself from turning around, forcing her gaze to look straight ahead at the now empty river.

A few days had passed since she unexpectedly ran into Cullen during one of her occasional nightly trips to the library, and it all still felt like a dream. It was the first time they had spoken casually since they met. They usually only spoke to each other during meetings or when they were going over important reports. She could still remember his words - the words that were constantly in her mind the moment they left his lips:

_“Inquisitor - If I may, I… I would like for us to be on a first name basis. Seeing as we will be working alongside each other for some time, I feel it would be appropriate. If you would like to, that is.”_

The more Lily thought about Cullen’s request, the more confused she became. In that moment she thought he was asking to be her friend, but now she wasn’t sure why he would even _want_ that - she was a mage after all, and he made his feelings towards magic pretty clear in Haven. What if she completely misinterpreted the meaning of his words?

Her restless fingers smoothed over the stone in her palm as she continued to watch the river and tried to push the confusion from her mind. She just hoped Varric hadn’t noticed her sudden movements. Since that night, she couldn’t help but feel that he knew about her feelings for Cullen, especially since he had tried to encourage her to ask Cullen what books he could recommend moments before they came across each other in the library. She really hoped it was all a coincidence despite the nagging feeling in her chest.

Her reaction upon merely hearing Cullen’s name would definitely give her away and she was already starting to come up with explanations in case Varric asked about it: _I got a cramp in my leg. I needed to crack my back. I thought the scout was asking for me._

They were all stupid excuses and she knew Varric probably wouldn’t believe them. Seconds passed in silence and she willed herself to relax, deciding to keep herself busy by rearranging the few stones she had packed away in a small leather pouch.

“I heard Josephine put in a new order for a shipment of books,” Varric’s casual tone broke the silence a few minutes later as he rummaged through his pocket until he pulled out a handkerchief and walked closer to the stream. “I think the library will be stocked before we get back to Skyhold in case you didn’t find anything interesting the other night.”

Lily hesitated as she wrapped up her new amethyst stone in a large leaf. “I found a few good ones,” she said slowly, chancing a glance at him while he soaked the handkerchief in the stream.

Varric merely nodded as he wrung out the cloth and walked back to his spot. His expression held a note of amusement, and Lily’s stomach sunk when she saw he was fighting back a smile.

Her heart was beginning to pound in her chest and she looked at him suspiciously as he sat on the ground. “Varric.”

“Yeah?”

Lily glanced behind them, checking to make sure no one overheard their conversation and took a deep breath. What she was about to ask was risky - it would probably confirm Varric’s suspicions. “You knew he was there, didn’t you?”

Varric folded the wet cloth before looking up at her, offering her a small, knowing smile that told her the coincidences she had been hoping for had never really existed. “I did.”

_He knew._

...Of course he did. Lily’s heart continued to race in her chest as she looked back at the stream’s gentle current and chewed on the inside of her cheek. She could feel warmth seep into her face as a swirl of emotions threatened to consume her - relief, almost as if a weight has been lifted, followed closely by shame, embarrassment, nervousness… she was a fool for hoping everything had happened by chance.

Her breath shook as she inhaled and she picked up one of her stones - this time, a red one that reminded her of the wine that was always served during dinner. Well, there would be no hiding it now. Not from Varric, anyway. She kept her voice low as she spoke, trying to keep her voice even and failing when her voice wavered. “How long have you known?”

“Since you sent him the herbs.” replied Varric, a thoughtful tone to his voice. “Curly passed me on the staircase the day we arrived. I think he was on his way to see you, to return your medicine bag. It’s the healthiest I’ve seen him in a while, to be honest.”

Lily didn’t reply as she continued to stare ahead, her gaze not really focusing on anything anymore as she thought back to when Cullen greeted her in the stables with her blue bag in his hands. She was glad to see his skin had a healthier glow and that the dark circles under his eyes weren’t as visible as before, but seeing him had caught her by complete surprise - she hadn’t been expecting him to personally give it back to her… she figured he would’ve sent a messenger to deliver it instead.

Cullen was surprising her a lot lately, and once again, she found herself unsure about everything.

Varric nudged her with his elbow gently. “How did it go?”

Lily hesitated before looking at him. His expression was open, friendly and he sounded genuinely interested in what she had to say - no traces of the disapproving reprimand she was somewhat expecting to receive, like she had witnessed in the Circle.

_You’re not in the Circle anymore._

She looked away as she continued to smooth over the gemstone in her hand. Talking about this seemed silly when she knew things weren’t going to go any further, but she trusted Varric, and maybe he could help shed light on the situation.

“I think he wants to be friends,” she replied.

Varric smiled at her as he shrugged lightly. “That sounds reasonable.”

“I’m not sure that is does.” Lily was starting to feel frustrated - not at Varric or Cullen, but at herself for not knowing how to analyze the situation correctly. Part of her was starting to regret leaving her quarters that night, while the other wanted to relive the memory again. “I don’t understand why he would _want_ to be friends. Even though he’s not part of the Templar Order anymore, I get the sense he’s not very comfortable around magic or mages.”

Varric nodded slowly before wiping his forehead with his handkerchief, and something in his expression made Lily curious despite knowing it wasn’t right to pry into Cullen’s past.

“I’m guessing you know something about that?” she asked hesitantly.

“Sorry, Pebbles. I know many stories, but I’m afraid his isn’t mine to tell.” he said softly. “But what I can tell you is that it sounds like he’s making an effort.”

Lily looked at the ground as she thought about what Varric said, feeling a little ashamed at her attempt at being nosy and was glad he didn’t seem to have gotten upset.

She thought about her interaction with Cullen in the library. The only discomfort she had sensed from him was when he realized he had interrupted her reading. He showed concern for her, going as far as to ask if reading was helping her sleep. There had been a moment when she tried to quickly excuse herself after thinking she had said the wrong thing, only for him to ask if he could escort her back to her quarters - he even offered his _arm_ to her, for Maker’s sake. He didn’t recoil from her when she stepped closer and placed her hand on his skin. He asked about the books she was reading and when they arrived at her door, he spoke the request that still fluttered around in her mind. She remembered how he smiled - almost with a sense of relief, if she was not mistaken - when she accepted and they bid each other goodnight. Before that, he was always polite whenever they spoke, even taking the time to answer whatever questions she had for him in Haven.

Maybe Varric was right. Except…

Her rising hope faltered when she remembered Haven. She recalled how Cullen had kept insisting they ally with the templars, how he firmly believed that siding with the mages would result in their destruction. His heated reaction when they returned from Redcliffe after securing an alliance with the mages made her decide to avoid him for while. She was barely holding herself together at the time - hearing him say there would undoubtedly be abominations among the recruited mages and that they were just as dangerous as demons had pained her, even though she didn’t want to admit it. What else would he have said if Cassandra hadn’t put an end to the argument? She couldn’t help but wonder if he remembered his word to avoid treating mages distrustfully as everyone argued. When she mustered up the courage to confront him a few days later, he explained his precautions were out of concern for everyone in Haven including the mages, but she wasn’t so sure.

Lily knew Cullen had gone through something horrible while he was stationed in Ferelden’s circle - she knew that much from his clipped summary of the events there, and she let the subject drop when he voiced his reluctance to speak about it further. But still… she couldn’t deny that his angry words in the Chantry were painful.

“I can see that mind of yours at work, Pebbles.”

She looked up at him, seeing the knowing look on Varric’s face and sighed deeply. “I can’t help it.”

Varric looked at her for a moment before wiping his face again. “You’d be surprised at how certain experiences can change a person,” he said quietly. “I suggest giving it a chance - try not to overthink things and just let everything flow at its own pace.”

Lily glanced at him before rolling her stone between her palms. “I’m not going to pursue anything further, if that’s what you’re thinking, Varric,” she said flatly. “I’m still trying to figure out if I misunderstood what he said a few nights ago.”

He chuckled softly and she looked at him, confused. “What?”

Varric merely smiled and shook his head.

Lily glanced down at the stone in her hands as she thought about Varric’s advice. She supposed there wouldn’t be any harm in simply being cordial with Cullen - her feelings might make things complicated for her, but that problem was something _she_ would have to deal with. No one else could know, and she needed to make sure this stayed between her and Varric.

She bit her lip as she looked at him again. “Varric, no one can know about this.”

Varric looked at her for a moment before giving her an understanding nod. “Don’t worry, Pebbles. Your secret’s safe with me.”

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading <3


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